We all know the old bit wherein the guy starts putting the moves on his girl in the hopes of getting her in bed, and she feigns a headache to get out of it. Indeed, the common “wisdom” is that men are ready and willing to have sex at any given moment, and women require massive amounts of coaxing and buttering up before they’ll even consider getting between the sheets. This is a pretty harmful way of thinking, however, because it turns out that men can also experience lowered levels of desire.

In fact, many of the same things that can lower women’s libidos can also be harmful to men’s sex drives. Stress, fatigue, being physically out of shape, eating an unhealthy diet, depression and lowered self-esteem can all contribute to depleted sexual desire in both men and women. So what if you’re ready to go, and your guy repeatedly turns you down? How can you help him find his desire again?

First thing is first—you need to rule out that the reason he is rejecting you is because of relationship troubles. As long as you two haven’t been fighting a lot, and your guy doesn’t seem generally distant, it’s safe to say that one of the aforementioned libido-sappers is the problem. That being the case, you need to nudge him into being more sexually active with you again. Never be pushy, as that could just anger him or make him feel emasculated, which will only make matters worse. Instead, try to be sensitive to what’s going on with him.

Be patient and supportive as you guide your mate toward happier territory.

Try to pick up his cues to figure out what’s bugging him. Is he stressed out or feeling powerless because things aren’t going well at work? Try to talk him up and boost his self-esteem. Don’t just do it right before you want to have sex—try to be generally more encouraging. See if you can help take some of the stress off his shoulders by helping with some of his chores at home. If you suspect that his being out of shape is making him lethargic, ask him to join you when you work out or try serving more balanced meals when you eat together. Don’t be critical about his lack of fitness—just be helpful in a non-pushy way.

Once you start helping out with the things that are troubling your guy, you need to try to work more sex back into your routine. Believe it or not, the more regularly you have sex, the more you’ll want to have it. If you can just get your guy to have sex even one more day a week than before, that may lead to him wanting it even more regularly. When you initiate, romance him a little. Don’t just lean over and ask him if he wants to do it—snuggle up to him and start kissing. Don’t try to force a schedule, either—make it a little more spontaneous. The weekends are probably the best days to try for this at first, since long hours at work can make anyone too tired for sex.

Most importantly, don’t give up. If he shrugs off your first few attempts, just keep right on trying. We all go through periods of time where sex isn’t exactly a priority, so just try to be sympathetic and optimistic. Don’t be forceful and don’t get angry or turn things into an argument. A little patience will pay off, and you’ll both be back in the groove sooner than you think.