Guest Article by Ana Shaker
Well, you’ve done it. You’ve met the perfect person. You talk for hours, you laugh, you cry, you…argue about faith and/or lack of faith. Here are three common inter-religious dating problems.
Situation #1: He’s proselytizing, and you’re yawning
Ah yes, missionary dating, a classically uncomfortable situation. You’ve got the hots for him, and he has the hots for you, and your soul. What a bargain! Unfortunately, the prosletysee rarely understands how uncomfortable he or she is making their date feel. Keep in mind that this person isn’t trying to date you only to convert you but they really do have a genuine concern that is rooted in their deeply held faith. They are literally concerned that if you are not of their faith, they could lose you. While this does seem incredibly sweet on paper, it’s harder to feel so sentimental when you’re hearing once again about the glories of the veil, or about taking Jesus as your lord and savior. If you’re really serious about trying to make your relationship work, consider doing this: tell them that you understand their concern, but like them you have your own set of deeply held beliefs, and although your partner has a valid point, you would never want to feel guilted or intimidated into converting to another faith just to stay with someone. After all, that wouldn’t be true faith, but lying. You can’t deny your beliefs any more than your partner can, however the two of you can find commonalities (every faith has them). Perhaps each of you feels that helping the poor is more important than sitting inside a synagogue or a temple for hours. Commonality of faith. Perhaps each of you believes in a divine being – Mother Earth, God, Allah, whatever. Commonality of faith. The possibilities are endless, my lovelies!
Situation #2: She says true love waits, he says he can’t wait!
Well, this one is tough. Many interreligious daters face this situation – a moral gray area. Above all, if your partner is not yet comfortable having sex, don’t force them! It is important to have total honesty with each other. Often you will find that one partner’s reluctance to engage in intercourse has less to do with religion and more to do with enforced taboos, fear, or perhaps even past abuse. Have an open talk about what each partner really considers “sex” – you may find that semantics is your problem, not religion. Find a loving alternative, but never, EVER resort to guilt or manipulation.
Situation #3 – Ok, we worked things out, but what about our support group?
Many of you aren’t here yet, but this is an eventual reality: your support group is opposed to the person you love. How do you deal with the questions and rejection from your community? This can be the hardest time for couples. Remember that, like Situation #1, these people have your best interest in mind. Whether or not you agree with them, your friends and family want you to be safe and happy. Show them what you love about your partner. Emphasize the kind and thoughtful things this person does for you. Family and friends who truly love you will warm to these stories. Those who remain staunchly against your partner on the grounds of religion only – well, they can take the highway. Word of caution; if your closest family and friends simply insist that your partner is bad news, lend them an ear. Remember, these people know and love you to. They may see warning signs that you don’t.
Religion is a lens in which we view our world, and our actions, and the actions of others. Such closely held beliefs are like tree roots that wrap around the heart, and sometimes to cut the roots means to damage the soul. Always remember that when you love someone, you love their soul – and no matter what roots wrap around it, you never want to hurt them.