Variety isn’t just the spice of life—it’s also the best way to spice things up in the bedroom. Yet, in our busy, stressful time, it can be incredibly difficult to find the energy to mix things up with your mate. In fact, when you’re over worked and have a to-do list that’s miles long, it sometimes feels as if the only way to have sex at all is to pencil it into your schedule and get through it as quickly as possible. Keep that up for two long, though, and sex will become a chore—not something to enjoy.
That’s why it’s so important to bring variety back into your sex life. The first step toward mixing things up is being aware of any routines you’ve slipped into. Think carefully—when was the last time you had sex with your mate that wasn’t on a Friday night at the exact same time as the Friday night before? Is this the sixth time this month that you’ve done it on your side of the bed in missionary position? It’s not that there’s anything wrong with Friday night nookie or the classic standby position that is guy on top. It’s just that when you never waiver from your routine, the excitement starts to dwindle.
Don't be afraid to venture into unknown territory together.
Once you’ve identified the habits you’ve fallen into, make a conscious effort to change them. That doesn’t mean you can’t get it on next Friday night—it just means that you should try following that up with some Saturday morning loving. If you default into missionary, try woman on top instead. Once you’ve thrown in some of these simple changes, try taking things a step further. Experiment with more adventurous positions. Try your hand at a little dirty talking or roleplaying. Sure you may feel a little ridiculous at first, but you might be surprised to discover what you enjoy. Plus, even if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll get a good laugh in together. Levity can be pretty sexy, too.
Another great way to mix things up is to vary the location you have sex in. Don’t just limit yourself to your bed! Make a game of it—come up with a list together of five (realistic) places you’d like to have sex in, from your kitchen table to the backseat of your car. Then, don’t have sex in your bed again until you’ve checked off all of the locations on your list. You might be surprised to find that this is just the injection of newness your sex life needs, even if it turns out the table isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world to lie down on.
Perhaps the most important thing about trying to mix things up is the very fact that you’re trying. Making an effort together to keep your sex life interesting will bring you both closer together, and you’re bound to have a lot of fun along the way. Trying new things together can be the perfect reminder of what attracted you two to each other in the first place. It’s like entering that beginning phase—when everything is exciting and hot—all over again. Who knows? After a little experimenting, you two might even find that plain old missionary position on your regular night in your comfy old bed feels exciting once more.
We all know the old bit wherein the guy starts putting the moves on his girl in the hopes of getting her in bed, and she feigns a headache to get out of it. Indeed, the common “wisdom” is that men are ready and willing to have sex at any given moment, and women require massive amounts of coaxing and buttering up before they’ll even consider getting between the sheets. This is a pretty harmful way of thinking, however, because it turns out that men can also experience lowered levels of desire.
In fact, many of the same things that can lower women’s libidos can also be harmful to men’s sex drives. Stress, fatigue, being physically out of shape, eating an unhealthy diet, depression and lowered self-esteem can all contribute to depleted sexual desire in both men and women. So what if you’re ready to go, and your guy repeatedly turns you down? How can you help him find his desire again?
First thing is first—you need to rule out that the reason he is rejecting you is because of relationship troubles. As long as you two haven’t been fighting a lot, and your guy doesn’t seem generally distant, it’s safe to say that one of the aforementioned libido-sappers is the problem. That being the case, you need to nudge him into being more sexually active with you again. Never be pushy, as that could just anger him or make him feel emasculated, which will only make matters worse. Instead, try to be sensitive to what’s going on with him.
Be patient and supportive as you guide your mate toward happier territory.
Try to pick up his cues to figure out what’s bugging him. Is he stressed out or feeling powerless because things aren’t going well at work? Try to talk him up and boost his self-esteem. Don’t just do it right before you want to have sex—try to be generally more encouraging. See if you can help take some of the stress off his shoulders by helping with some of his chores at home. If you suspect that his being out of shape is making him lethargic, ask him to join you when you work out or try serving more balanced meals when you eat together. Don’t be critical about his lack of fitness—just be helpful in a non-pushy way.
Once you start helping out with the things that are troubling your guy, you need to try to work more sex back into your routine. Believe it or not, the more regularly you have sex, the more you’ll want to have it. If you can just get your guy to have sex even one more day a week than before, that may lead to him wanting it even more regularly. When you initiate, romance him a little. Don’t just lean over and ask him if he wants to do it—snuggle up to him and start kissing. Don’t try to force a schedule, either—make it a little more spontaneous. The weekends are probably the best days to try for this at first, since long hours at work can make anyone too tired for sex.
Most importantly, don’t give up. If he shrugs off your first few attempts, just keep right on trying. We all go through periods of time where sex isn’t exactly a priority, so just try to be sympathetic and optimistic. Don’t be forceful and don’t get angry or turn things into an argument. A little patience will pay off, and you’ll both be back in the groove sooner than you think.
Most women are pretty good at the whole communication thing. They can give their friends advice and talk about their feelings with their significant other with plenty of ease. However, many women are lacking in communication skills when it comes to getting more of what they want in the bedroom. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid to hurt their partner’s feelings, or maybe it’s because they’re not even sure what they truly want out of sex, but this is a tough area for a lot of the ladies. Instead of letting your fears and uncertainties hold you back, try utilizing some of the following three tips to gain an advantage in bed.
- Figure Out What Actually Makes You Feel Good:
Let’s say that you’ve figured out what isn’t working for you, but you’re really not certain what would work for you. If you don’t know what moves and techniques make you feel good, how can you possibly communicate your needs to your partner? Much as it might seem embarrassing, the only way you’re going to figure out what really lights your fire is to experiment, both by yourself and with your partner. That means, first and foremost, blocking out some solo time when you’re home all alone to test out what it takes to get you to that big “O” moment.
Get more of what you want in bed.
Once you’ve figured out the basics alone, you need to try to change things up with your partner. Spontaneity can be your friend here. Midway through the act, try transitioning into a new position or switching up your speed and pacing. Start small and work your way up to more adventurous things as time goes on, being careful to gauge your partner’s comfort level. Odds are he’ll be just as happy to switch up your routine as you are.
- Show Him the Way
This is where some of that knowledge you gained in step one can be put to further use. As you’re fooling around, guide him. Gently move his hand to the spot where you’d prefer he place it. Kiss him in the manner you’d like to be kissed. If he’s not quite hitting the right spot, shift your body or weight over—don’t just hope that he’ll eventually get it right. You can even momentarily take things into your own hands and demonstrate what you now know works for you, or put your hand over his and show him to do it “like this.” You may feel silly at first, but just give him your sexiest look, and he’ll probably go wild for it. If it gets goofy or awkward feeling, just go with it and laugh. Laughing during sex—as long as you’re not laughing at your partner but are instead laughing with him—can be surprisingly wonderful. It might be just what you both need to loosen up and enjoy yourselves more.
- Ask Him What to Do, Tell Him What You Need
Finally, should all of the more subtle techniques fail, just flat out talk to him about it. The key is to bring it up in a playful or sexy manner as opposed to a forceful, bossy one. When you’re in the midst of going at it, drop little hints in an encouraging manner. As opposed to saying “you’re doing that too fast,” try instead saying, “that feels good, try going even slower.” When he does something that feels right, encourage him to keep it up. All it takes it the phrase “more” and a few happy sighs or moans, and he’ll get the message. You can always spice up your requests by framing them as dirty talk or playful, flirty banter. He probably won’t even realize you’re telling him what to do. Just make sure to return the favor when he makes his own requests here and there, and you’ll both be enjoying yourselves infinitely more each time you hit the sheets together.
