There’s a reason that Salt N’ Pepa wrote a hit song about it—eventually there comes a time in every relationship when you have to talk about sex. Maybe you haven’t had sex yet and you need to have the big discussion about playing it safe, or maybe you’re having issues in the sack that you need to discuss. Regardless, you can’t be afraid to bring up the topic with your girlfriend or spouse. With a little planning and a few of the techniques put forth here, you can take the awkwardness and unease out of the sex talk.
First thing’s first—stop stressing out about it. You’re hardly the first person that’s had to broach the topic of sex with your partner. If you build it up to be something bigger than it really is, you’ll only make yourself more nervous about it. Instead, remind yourself that you’re about to have this conversation with a person you really care about, who also happens to care a lot about you. Secondly, keep in mind that, while talking about something so personal might feel awkward for you, your girlfriend or wife might not feel all that uncomfortable about it. In fact, once you get talking, she may put you completely at ease. Framing this conversation as a best-case scenario can help you get up the nerve to start talking.
Planning ahead can also be extremely helpful. Think about everything you want to talk about prior to engaging in conversation. What is the point of this talk? Are you on the brink of your first time with this woman, and so you need to discuss safety precautions and all of that other un-fun stuff? Go over the points you need to cover in your head, like birth control, if you’ve both been tested for STDs, etc. Then come up with a good way to start the conversation. Feel free to start off by saying that you know this isn’t the sexiest thing ever, but you feel like you two will be sleeping together soon, and you need to discuss a few things.
Having a sense of humor can help, too. Once the two of you are talking, if things get uncomfortable or you
The time to have the talk is when you're both in a good mood.
have a hard time fully addressing the topic at hand, try to laugh about it if possible. If something embarrassing happened the last time you slept together, and you know you can’t just let it slide without addressing it, keep it as lighthearted as possible. That doesn’t mean you should laugh at or mock your partner if they were the root of the embarrassment—that would be a terrible idea! It does mean that you should have a sense of humor about yourself and your own embarrassment.
Finally, timing can be everything. Never have a conversation about sex immediately after you’ve done it. Wait until a time when you’re both in generally good moods and aren’t so busy that you’ll rush through the conversation. Keep it private—there’s no reason to discuss your sex life when you’re on public transportation or at a quiet restaurant. If the tone of the conversation starts to get argumentative or accusatory, take a deep breath and suggest a break until you can both calm down.
If you time your conversation right and plan ahead appropriately, the sex talk you’ve been fearing could go a lot better than you’d think. Just don’t stress out and keep things calm and light, and you’ll breeze through that dreaded convo in no time.
Let’s face it—women’s sexual needs are complicated. It takes many women longer than most men to get aroused, and it can be much more difficult for them to reach orgasm. That’s a big part of why women are such big fans of foreplay. It helps them get out of their heads and into the mood. It can even help up the odds that women will have an orgasm.
That said, despite the stereotype that women are the only ones with anything to gain from foreplay, men can also benefit greatly from it. That’s not just because your lady friend will have a new appreciation for you, either. Foreplay can be truly enjoyable for all involved.
One of the biggest advantages of foreplay is that it stretches out the amount of time spent engaging in each individual sex session. This is great for women because they typically need more time than men do to get into the groove and reach climax. It’s also great for guys because it helps you learn to savor the experience and slow things down. When you stop trying to rush to the conclusion of sex and start focusing more energy on enjoying the journey, you’ll appreciate it on a whole other level. Plus, delayed gratification can be pretty darn gratifying.
The simple act of kissing can be an integral part of good foreplay.
Another great benefit of foreplay is that it helps your wife or girlfriend to get into the mood in a big, big way. If your lady is really feeling it, her enthusiasm is only going to improve the quality of the sex you’re having. Her body will be primed, her mind will be focused on the act at hand, and she’ll be so into it that you’ll end up being more into it yourself. Sex can be okay even if one of you isn’t totally feeling it at the moment. When you’re both really into it, however, sex has the potential to be intense and mind-blowing.
Ultimately, though, foreplay is fun! Somewhere along the way we all bought into the misconception that foreplay is a chore that men engage in to make sure their significant others keep having sex with them. This is a foolhardy mindset to have, though. If the foreplay you’re having is only about your girl, then you’re not doing it right. It should be reciprocal. If you get her warmed up via oral or manual stimulation, she should be returning the favor. Take turns and make it playful.
It should also be noted that foreplay isn’t just about rounding second and third base on your way to home. Foreplay can be as simple and mutually enjoyable as making out on your couch like a pair of eager teenagers. It can also be watching a sexy movie together or just getting undressed slowly and admiring each other in the buff. Dirty talk, sensual massage, going out dancing together—if it revs your engine, it counts as foreplay. That’s yet another great benefit of foreplay, in fact. It’s a great way to add variety and excitement to your sex life again. Now that’s something both the guys and the girls can appreciate.
Sex isn’t the only important part of a healthy relationship, but it is an integral one. In fact, to illustrate this point, let’s consider the following scenario:
You’ve found a new guy, and he’s pretty wonderful. He’s smart, he makes you laugh, he’s cute, and he’s even got a good job. Everything seems perfect, so you decide it’s time to take the next step and sleep together. When the big moment arrives, though, it’s hardly magical. Things are awkward and it’s a big let-down for you.
Be honest with yourself—after that awful first time, what would you do? Would you decide that everything else outweighs the bad sex and just try to muddle through? Would you consider breaking it off because the sex seemed too terrible to recover from? The truth is that you don’t necessarily have to take either of those two routes. In fact, if you handle the situation cleverly and help him improve his skills early on, things could be looking up in no time flat.
First and foremost, don’t immediately write off a guy you like just because the very first time you sleep together goes poorly. After all, maybe your new guy just got a bad case of the nerves or over excitement. With that in mind, consider at least giving him a second chance. Maybe round number two will go infinitely better than the first, and you’ll realize that you were too quick to judge him.
Don't let a bad first time get you down.
On the other hand, if your second time starts to go the same way as the first, that’s when you need to take control. What is it that’s bothering you? Is he too rough or in too much of a rush to get to the main event? Speak up! Muster your sexiest voice and suggest that you take it slower, or volunteer to get on top so you can have more control over the pacing and roughness. Just remember never to be critical or snarky. Guide him and use positive reinforcement.
If showing him what you want during the act doesn’t improve things, you might want to talk to him about the issues you’re having. This is especially true if you can tell that he’s not having much fun, either, or that he can tell you’re not enjoying yourself. The time to bring up your bed-related issues isn’t right after you’ve finished having sex, however. Casually bring it up the next morning during breakfast, or when you’re chilling out together in the afternoon.
Again, don’t be accusatory or start lecturing him. Instead, just bring up the topic of sex in general. If there’s anything that he’s doing right, be sure to mention it. It always helps when you can say “I really love the way you kiss me, but I was thinking maybe next time around we could try slowing things down.” Nothing softens the blow of a suggestion to try something different like an honest compliment.
Of course, there’s no reason to be a glutton for punishment. If you try your best to improve things, but the sex just keeps letting you down, you need to be realistic. Accept that maybe you two work in a lot of other ways, but you’re just not compatible when it comes to sex. That means it might be time to move on. Hopefully it never comes to that, though. Odds are good that your new guy just needs a little patience and guidance, and you’ll both be thoroughly enjoying sex together before you know it.
