There are a lot of misconceptions about affairs and cheating spouses. Perhaps the biggest misconception is that it could never (or would never) happen to you. “I know my husband…he would never cheat!” or “I hate cheaters…I could never be one!” However, cheaters aren’t born cheaters. Many times, they are not horrible individuals who set out to hurt their spouses, but rather, regular people who have found themselves caught in a messy situation.
Maybe it starts at home: his wife stops showing affection, loses her sex drive, is quicker to snap with him, even ignores him altogether. When this coldness is carried on for months or years, the interest of another woman can be hard to decline. This new woman doesn’t get after him (again!) for not doing the dishes. She doesn’t roll her eyes when he says she looks pretty today. She has no obligations to be with him—only her desire. More often than you may think, it is an emotional connection that leads men to cheat, rather than a need for sex.
Another misconception about cheating is that it is primarily men who are doing the cheating. The old stereotype of a man leaving his wife to be with his secretary has lingered long after its legitimacy left. More and more, it is women who are straying. With such popular television shows as Desperate Housewives, the women feel they are lacking something in their relationship, and venture out to find it. As is the case with many men, women may decide to stray if they are not receiving adequate attention and affection at home.
Recently, I talked with a female friend. She is not your archetypal cheater: she loves her husband, is dedicated to their marriage, and has never had thoughts of straying before. However, she confessed that an ongoing email conversation with a coworker has lately turned inappropriate. It started with a typical office email, in which they made jokes at the bottoms of memos, shared funny stories, or secretly gossiped about coworkers. As friends, they even talked a bit about their respective relationships. He revealed he was not happy, while at the same time, always comparing her to his wife. “You’re so much cooler,” he had said. “If we were single, I would much rather be with you.” After weeks of hearing how great she was or how beautiful she looked that day, her will was starting to cave. Furthermore, the emails had begun getting steamy and suggestive.
It has been said that once that seed of desire has been planted, it’s hard to not let it bloom. She went home every night and automatically focused on her husband’s flaws: how much better-looking, fitter, or attentive her coworker was.
And that, right there, is essentially why people cheat: the grass on the other side is greener. They become accustomed to the grass right in front of them. When that grass starts to brown from lack of attention and care, they can’t help but focus on the bright green grass across the street. What they don’t see, however, is that that same vibrant grass will, with time, also start to brown if they are not careful.
Valentine’s Day is that magical day that comes around once a year that puts a man’s romantic side to the test. What? You don’t have a romantic side? Don’t sweat it. This day of love can make or break a relationship, but with these tips, you won’t go wrong.
When in doubt, buy a gift
Does your girlfriend celebrate V-day or does she detest it? Yes, it is true: some women hate this holiday with fiery passion. Without giving anything away, how do you find out? Well, you don’t. Here’s what you do, though. Find a meaningful gift for her, whether it is a card with a nice note inside, a gift certificate to a spa, or those Valentine favorites, the homemade coupons (“good for one backrub/car wash/dinner”). Hide it in your pocket until you feel confident giving it to her. But if she brings up how much she hates this “Hallmark holiday,” you are probably better off keeping it in your pocket until her birthday.
Speaking of gifts, avoid dolls, balloons, and boxes of chocolate
Unless your honey specifically requests these items, it is best to avoid them. These items reek of “I forgot it was Valentine’s Day, so I stopped at the grocery store on the way over.” Just don’t go there.
Make reservations weeks in advance…or better yet, cook at home
This is one of the busiest days of the year for restaurants. Because of this, do not count on slipping into a restaurant at 8:00 p.m. and being 
seated anytime before morning. Call ahead. However, if you are seeking a romantic atmosphere, a crowded restaurant may not be the way to go. Instead, try honing your kitchen skills.
Even if you don’t celebrate, spend time together
Just because she loathes this holiday, it doesn’t mean she wants to (or should) spend it alone. Make a pact to not say the V-word, while still celebrating your love (or hey, even you like) for each other. Watch a movie, bake cookies, go shopping, anything where you can be together.
Over-the-top cheesiness is best
Valentine’s Day is, without a doubt, the cheesiest holiday of the year. It is based around love, hearts, sappy poems, flowers, and all that other delightfully gushy stuff. Quit running from this fact and just embrace it. Take any idea and mock it, make it ridiculous. Are you thinking of making dessert? Bake heart-shaped cookies. Want to give her flowers? Leave a trail of petals throughout the house. This is the time of year when silly really works in your favor.
One good cliché: flowers
Unless she has allergies or an aversion to harmful plucking of innocent plants, she will love receiving flowers. Ever since middle school, when young girls desperately hoped to receive a single rose from their crush, women have always hoped (albeit, secretly) to get a beautiful bouquet on this particular day. Be sure you are aware of her feelings, however, before delivering them to her office. While many women would fall in love with a man who brought her flowers, other women feel it is inappropriate or unprofessional. It is best to tread lightly and have them sent to her home.
In desperate times, it can feel like any girlfriend is better than no girlfriend at all. Don’t be lulled into a toxic relationship by this attitude.
1. The Neighbor
You wave and exchange niceties every day. You pet-sit for each other. You crash each others’ parties. This is an easy trap in which to find yourself. She’s cute and convenient…why the heck not? Think back to your last girlfriend. Would you want to live next door to her after you broke her heart? Probably not. It would not only be awkward to see her every day, but think if you were to bring a new girl home sometime. Yikes.
2. The Rebounder
She’s just had her heart broken and is looking for a pick-me-up. Or maybe she did the dumping, yet her emotions are still scattered. You may feel like you’re rescuing her, doing her a favor by providing a distraction. In reality, she is likely not ready for any kind of relationship. It is bound to be tumultuous and emotions will run high.
3. The Wife
This seems like a no-brainer: don’t date married women, right? However, this is another situation a guy can easily find himself in. Maybe she doesn’t reveal her marital status right away, or maybe she promises you she will divorce her husband. Either way, don’t go there. Affairs rarely end peacefully. And the last thing you want is to wind up in the middle of a domestic dispute.
4. Just One of the Guys
Awesome! She hangs out with guys, so she must be cool. How could this possibly be a bad thing? It isn’t necessarily a bad thing if she is genuinely into sports, armpit-farting, or any of the other things guys may like. She might just be a tomboy. However, beware of the woman who has no girlfriends at all, despite being fairly feminine herself. She will claim that chicks are catty and she just likes being around men more. But more likely, she surrounds herself with guys who will make her feel attractive and desirable. Given the chance, any one of them would love to hop in the sack with her, and she knows it. It’s a manipulative move, and one that will ultimately leave you feeling insecure.
5. The Babymama
Danger Will Robinson! While it is not set in stone, it is a safe bet that a woman with three or more kids—each with a different father—is not interested in your heart so much as your child support. Veer away…or at least make sure you’re in charge of the birth control here.
6. Friend of an Ex / Ex of a Friend
The words, “friend” and “ex,” should never go together, especially when talking about relationships. No matter how you play it, someone gets hurt. Will that person be your friend who is still pining for your (now) girlfriend? Or will it be your ex, whose input to her girlfriend could very well destroy your budding relationship? No matter how you handle it, there are bound to be awkward moments, uncomfortable conversations, insecurities, jealousy, and possibly even ruined friendships.
