Disclaimer: This is never a good idea. No matter how you think it may end, it will end badly. This is not a movie, in which he is misunderstood by his wife and you are the only one who “gets” him. His wife will inevitably find out about you. Besides, there are millions of single men in the world. Try dating one of them, before shacking up with somebody who has already been claimed.
Okay, so if you are still reading this, you probably don’t care to hear lectures. You know what can (and will!) go wrong, but frankly, the pros outweigh the cons, right? At least for the moment. What you really want to know is how do you date a married man?
The first thing you don’t do is leave a paper trail. Do not text, email, or write notes. This is very hard to avoid, as it is often the primary source of contact. Yahoo Messenger or other instant messaging programs may seem tempting; however, to a snooping wife, archived files are very easy to access. With a forum, though, she would have to know both the website and the password.
When you date a married man, you must prepare yourself to be lonely. You will spend many nights alone while he is at home with his family. Yet you cannot call him or see him whenever you want. You will have to resign yourself to seeing him on his schedule. It is extremely important that you do not call. The classic call-and-hang-up is a dead giveaway to his wife, if she answers the phone.
Also, you must give up the expectation that he will leave his wife for you. When it has finally happened, that’s when you can believe it. Before then, just assume it is lip service. There are many reasons a man feels obligated to stay with his family, but very few reasons for him to throw caution to the wind and leave. If you stop worrying about when he’ll leave, you will be able to live in the moment better.
Next, don’t let anyone find out: not your friends, not your family, not your coworkers (especially if you and the man you’re seeing work together). This is a very common mistake made in affairs. The more people become involved, the more likely it is to get back to his wife.
Finally, really think about what is in it for you. After months of being treated as a secret, you may feel resentful. Is this guy really worth the hassle of not seeing him when you want, not being able to call, having to tiptoe around your feelings? Don’t stay as a favor to him. Figure out what you need in a partner and decide on your own if this man can truly fulfill those needs.
Guest Article by Ana Shaker
Well, you’ve done it. You’ve met the perfect person. You talk for hours, you laugh, you cry, you…argue about faith and/or lack of faith. Here are three common inter-religious dating problems.
Situation #1: He’s proselytizing, and you’re yawning
Ah yes, missionary dating, a classically uncomfortable situation. You’ve got the hots for him, and he has the hots for you, and your soul. What a bargain! Unfortunately, the prosletysee rarely understands how uncomfortable he or she is making their date feel. Keep in mind that this person isn’t trying to date you only to convert you but they really do have a genuine concern that is rooted in their deeply held faith. They are literally concerned that if you are not of their faith, they could lose you. While this does seem incredibly sweet on paper, it’s harder to feel so sentimental when you’re hearing once again about the glories of the veil, or about taking Jesus as your lord and savior. If you’re really serious about trying to make your relationship work, consider doing this: tell them that you understand their concern, but like them you have your own set of deeply held beliefs, and although your partner has a valid point, you would never want to feel guilted or intimidated into converting to another faith just to stay with someone. After all, that wouldn’t be true faith, but lying. You can’t deny your beliefs any more than your partner can, however the two of you can find commonalities (every faith has them). Perhaps each of you feels that helping the poor is more important than sitting inside a synagogue or a temple for hours. Commonality of faith. Perhaps each of you believes in a divine being – Mother Earth, God, Allah, whatever. Commonality of faith. The possibilities are endless, my lovelies!
Situation #2: She says true love waits, he says he can’t wait!
Well, this one is tough. Many interreligious daters face this situation – a moral gray area. Above all, if your partner is not yet comfortable having sex, don’t force them! It is important to have total honesty with each other. Often you will find that one partner’s reluctance to engage in intercourse has less to do with religion and more to do with enforced taboos, fear, or perhaps even past abuse. Have an open talk about what each partner really considers “sex” – you may find that semantics is your problem, not religion. Find a loving alternative, but never, EVER resort to guilt or manipulation.
Situation #3 – Ok, we worked things out, but what about our support group?
Many of you aren’t here yet, but this is an eventual reality: your support group is opposed to the person you love. How do you deal with the questions and rejection from your community? This can be the hardest time for couples. Remember that, like Situation #1, these people have your best interest in mind. Whether or not you agree with them, your friends and family want you to be safe and happy. Show them what you love about your partner. Emphasize the kind and thoughtful things this person does for you. Family and friends who truly love you will warm to these stories. Those who remain staunchly against your partner on the grounds of religion only – well, they can take the highway. Word of caution; if your closest family and friends simply insist that your partner is bad news, lend them an ear. Remember, these people know and love you to. They may see warning signs that you don’t.
Religion is a lens in which we view our world, and our actions, and the actions of others. Such closely held beliefs are like tree roots that wrap around the heart, and sometimes to cut the roots means to damage the soul. Always remember that when you love someone, you love their soul – and no matter what roots wrap around it, you never want to hurt them.
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We have all heard stories of sugar-daddies. Famously, Anna Nicole Smith, a former Playboy model and spokesmodel, married an 89-year-old billionaire. He reportedly lavished her with expensive gifts and maintained a luxurious lifestyle for her. But were they actually in love? Was this not so much a relationship as it was a business transaction? Most importantly, can this setup really be beneficial to each of the people involved?
As Samantha from the television show, Sex and the City, once said, “Money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.” The relationship of a sugar-daddy (a man who provides money and/or gifts to an often-much-younger woman, in exchange for her company) to his “ward” is often one of power. While it starts out with the woman having more control (gathering gifts while withholding her affections), it usually does not last. By allowing the woman to become dependent on him financially, he starts to gain the upper hand. He may begin exercising this by denying her certain freedoms: choosing what she wears or how she does her hair, deciding how they will spend their time, and often, isolating her from people her own age.
However, are all sugar-daddy situations based on the control of one person over another? Can it actually be based on love? Absolutely. There are certainly situations in which a younger woman generally falls in love with a much older (and wealthier) man. However, once that kind of extreme gift-giving precedent is in place, it becomes harder to separate love from mere appreciation.
In the absence of love, though, what separates a sugar-baby (the recipient of a sugar-daddy’s lavishing) from a prostitute? They both give their time and company (and often, sex) in exchange for money or goods. One could argue that the sugar-daddy is essentially taking her off the market and keeping her as his own private escort—something that high-class professional services occasionally provide. So what is the difference? That is, unfortunately, a question for the ages (and oftentimes, for the courts).
Anna Nicole Smith's Sugar Daddy
Finally, if the sugar-daddy setup is akin to a power struggle and the control over another human being, and can even be cheapened to that of a john’s relationship to his prostitute, how can it possibly be beneficial to the people involved? One word: loneliness. While that wealthy man spent his entire career overworked yet succeeding, he may have not had time to find a partner. As he reaches an age where he cannot easily meet a woman, he may find it more convenient to “buy” company. He may very well understand she is around only for his money. Yet it often seems the men are okay with this. He gets what he wants: someone to spend time with him, maybe even have sex with him, in his later years. On the other hand, she gets what she wants: a lavish lifestyle, which she may not have experienced otherwise. And yes, maybe she even appreciates the company he provides. No one is immune to love, after all.
