Everyone has likely heard the term, “friend with benefit” (or FWB, for short). This is simply the politically-correct term for someone you have sex with, without being in an actual relationship. But are there other benefits involved with this situation? What about drawbacks?
The most obvious advantage to this situation is that you will be having some sex. Congratulations! However, this can work in your favor in more than one way. Assuming you are still actively dating and/or looking for “that special someone,” the fact that you are getting some physical relief at the same time means you will be more relaxed and less likely to appear desperate. In fact, you will be less desperate, which leads to the next positive…
Your self-esteem will be boosted. If you have been in the dating world without any luck for months or years, your confidence will likely have taken a bit of downturn. Why is no one interested?! However, with a FWB-situation, you know that at least one person finds you attractive and desirable. That may be just the boost you need to approach someone in your sights.
The third reason a friend with benefits may be desirable is this: no strings attached. You can come and go as you please. Your “friend” gives you your space and privacy. If you are not quite ready for the huge commitment a relationship entails, this sort of “relationship-lite” situation may be for you. It is a bond of convenience for both parties: you take what you need without giving anything back.
But that in itself can become a drawback. You cannot expect anything in return from your friend. You can be dumped without a moment’s notice when that friend meets someone new, or without good cause when he or she simply grows tired of the routine. They could even be having sex with other people on the side; but, as per your agreement, you cannot stop this. This can be not only bothersome to your state of mind, but also potentially dangerous to your health.
That superficiality of the relationship can extend to your emotions, as well. What if you develop romantic feelings for this person (as many people might, when sex is involved)…but the feelings are not reciprocated? Or, suppose you are not the one suddenly experiencing these feelings. After being intimate with a woman for weeks or months, she could get attached to you and feel very upset if you “break up”. Imagine trying to explain that to your new girlfriend!
Even if neither person feels romantically-inclined, it can still be a lonely situation. You never share your dreams or hopes with this person. You don’t introduce this person to your parents at Christmas. Heck, you may not even spend time with him or her outside of the bedroom. You may feel you’re back at square-one: looking for a relationship that fulfills what you want and need. You may find that this convenient setup is so convenient that it loses the appeal altogether.
Have you ever met a great guy with many admirable qualities, yet upon forming a relationship with him, it turned out to be less than stellar? Or maybe you like him, but you just cannot see yourself making a serious commitment? Many of us have experienced this bait-and-switch. It can happen when we mix our “dating-types” and our “relationship-types.”
Surely you have heard the play on words, “Mr. Right” and “Mr. Right-Now.” While it has found its way into every other chick lit book on the shelf, it actually has some merit. Depending on your need at the moment, you subconsciously scope out very different types of people.
For example, let’s say you have just broken up with your ex, and are looking for a temporary fix (to put it bluntly). You focus on your hunt on a person’s appearance and top-layer personality. For a Friday evening at the bar, you don’t care what school he went to, what he thinks about war in the Middle East, or his commentary on family values. All you may want is a cute face with the ability to make you laugh. He is your Mr. Right-Now. Dating-types are all about convenience and immediate pleasure.
On the flip side, relationship-types are all about compatibility. You may have decided you are done with dating casually. You hone your target on men who you are more compatible with over a longer spans. Simple personality quirks, which may have been deal-breakers if you only planned to know him for a couple hours or a couple weeks, do not matter to you. Appearances also don’t play as much of a role in your decision to commit to him. This is the more elusive Mr. Right.
The differences between your dating-type and your relationship-type may be drastic or subtle. However, it is generally not advisable that you try to mold a dating-type into a relationship. Many couples face almost immediate issues due to this incompatibility: they enjoy each other’s company, but just can’t seem to make the relationship work. People, by nature, are compatible in different areas: sexually, emotionally, socially, mentally, and so on. Taking a person you work well with in a casual setting and putting them into a deeply connected and emotional setting can produce a turbulent result.
However, this may not always be the case. Many people have found love in unexpected places: a friend who turned into something more or a one-night-stand who they later married. The best way to determine who you will be compatible with for the long-term is to think hard about what you hope to find in potential mate. What traits do you value? Which traits do not matter as much? Which of your needs or wants do you hope this person will fulfill? Figuring out the answers to these questions will help you to determine whether that guy you just met is relationship- or dating-material.
Last month, we talked about why people cheat while in a committed relationship. Now, let's figure out: what exactly constitutes as cheating? Furthermore, is emotional cheating as detrimental as physical cheating?
The first thing to know about cheating is that men and women have wildly different ideas about it. In a forum populated exclusively by women, I asked, “What constitutes cheating?” The resounding response was subjective: “if he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it in front of me or has to hide it from me, he’s cheating.” In other words, if your boyfriend won’t hold a woman’s hand in front of you, but will hold it while you’re not around, he’s cheating.
Furthermore, many women consider “sexting” (sending and receiving provocative text messages), cyber sex, and private dances from a stripper to also be cheating. Basically, anything that involves a one-on-one connection with another woman is cheating (or dangerously close to it). Strangely enough, however, some women that replied have drunkenly kissed another girl, yet neither they nor their significant others considered this to be cheating.
Meanwhile, men take on a more objective view about cheating. In a recent poll on AskMen.com, 54% said it becomes cheating only after a woman has kissed someone else. Another 20% said it’s only cheating if sex is involved. This means three-quarters of the responders think anything less than kissing is not cheating: hand-holding, dirty-dancing at the club, maybe even flashing one’s body parts are A-OK. While 80% of women (as recorded in another AskMen.com poll) consider cyber sex to be cheating, many men feel it is simply a form of entertainment.
Clearly, the definition of cheating varies from person to person. But one thing is generally agreed upon: emotional infidelity is much worse than sexual infidelity. Emotional cheating is defined as the intimate connection between two people outside of a relationship (and usually excluding any sexual contact). While a sexual relationship can oftentimes be fulfilled simply by physical contact, an emotional affair has a much stronger effect on all parties. The cheater feels more invested in a third-party, which makes his or her connection to the spouse diminish. These affairs are usually much harder to end.
In response to the question, “Which is worse: sexual or emotional cheating?”, one woman responded with this: “Emotional cheating is harder. I’d be more upset because it means we have disconnected somewhere along the way. Sex is just sex, but when strong emotions are involved, it means the end is near.” Moreover, it seems that it is only a matter of time—with emotional affairs—before sex becomes involved anyways. So while a sexual infidelity may stop at a “drunken one-night-stand,” an emotional affair will linger for months or even years.
There are many definitions for cheating and many different ideas on the types of infidelity. Nevertheless, the best way to define cheating is to discuss it with your partner. You may discover that you have very different definitions, which could get one of you in trouble in the future. It is better to get on the same page before anything happens…rather than trying to resolve it while emotions are heightened and a relationship is on the line.
