Guest Article by Ana Shaker
Well, you’ve done it. You’ve met the perfect person. You talk for hours, you laugh, you cry, you…argue about faith and/or lack of faith. Here are three common inter-religious dating problems.
Situation #1: He’s proselytizing, and you’re yawning
Ah yes, missionary dating, a classically uncomfortable situation. You’ve got the hots for him, and he has the hots for you, and your soul. What a bargain! Unfortunately, the prosletysee rarely understands how uncomfortable he or she is making their date feel. Keep in mind that this person isn’t trying to date you only to convert you but they really do have a genuine concern that is rooted in their deeply held faith. They are literally concerned that if you are not of their faith, they could lose you. While this does seem incredibly sweet on paper, it’s harder to feel so sentimental when you’re hearing once again about the glories of the veil, or about taking Jesus as your lord and savior. If you’re really serious about trying to make your relationship work, consider doing this: tell them that you understand their concern, but like them you have your own set of deeply held beliefs, and although your partner has a valid point, you would never want to feel guilted or intimidated into converting to another faith just to stay with someone. After all, that wouldn’t be true faith, but lying. You can’t deny your beliefs any more than your partner can, however the two of you can find commonalities (every faith has them). Perhaps each of you feels that helping the poor is more important than sitting inside a synagogue or a temple for hours. Commonality of faith. Perhaps each of you believes in a divine being – Mother Earth, God, Allah, whatever. Commonality of faith. The possibilities are endless, my lovelies!
Situation #2: She says true love waits, he says he can’t wait!
Well, this one is tough. Many interreligious daters face this situation – a moral gray area. Above all, if your partner is not yet comfortable having sex, don’t force them! It is important to have total honesty with each other. Often you will find that one partner’s reluctance to engage in intercourse has less to do with religion and more to do with enforced taboos, fear, or perhaps even past abuse. Have an open talk about what each partner really considers “sex” – you may find that semantics is your problem, not religion. Find a loving alternative, but never, EVER resort to guilt or manipulation.
Situation #3 – Ok, we worked things out, but what about our support group?
Many of you aren’t here yet, but this is an eventual reality: your support group is opposed to the person you love. How do you deal with the questions and rejection from your community? This can be the hardest time for couples. Remember that, like Situation #1, these people have your best interest in mind. Whether or not you agree with them, your friends and family want you to be safe and happy. Show them what you love about your partner. Emphasize the kind and thoughtful things this person does for you. Family and friends who truly love you will warm to these stories. Those who remain staunchly against your partner on the grounds of religion only – well, they can take the highway. Word of caution; if your closest family and friends simply insist that your partner is bad news, lend them an ear. Remember, these people know and love you to. They may see warning signs that you don’t.
Religion is a lens in which we view our world, and our actions, and the actions of others. Such closely held beliefs are like tree roots that wrap around the heart, and sometimes to cut the roots means to damage the soul. Always remember that when you love someone, you love their soul – and no matter what roots wrap around it, you never want to hurt them.
We have all heard stories of sugar-daddies. Famously, Anna Nicole Smith, a former Playboy model and spokesmodel, married an 89-year-old billionaire. He reportedly lavished her with expensive gifts and maintained a luxurious lifestyle for her. But were they actually in love? Was this not so much a relationship as it was a business transaction? Most importantly, can this setup really be beneficial to each of the people involved?
As Samantha from the television show, Sex and the City, once said, “Money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.” The relationship of a sugar-daddy (a man who provides money and/or gifts to an often-much-younger woman, in exchange for her company) to his “ward” is often one of power. While it starts out with the woman having more control (gathering gifts while withholding her affections), it usually does not last. By allowing the woman to become dependent on him financially, he starts to gain the upper hand. He may begin exercising this by denying her certain freedoms: choosing what she wears or how she does her hair, deciding how they will spend their time, and often, isolating her from people her own age.
However, are all sugar-daddy situations based on the control of one person over another? Can it actually be based on love? Absolutely. There are certainly situations in which a younger woman generally falls in love with a much older (and wealthier) man. However, once that kind of extreme gift-giving precedent is in place, it becomes harder to separate love from mere appreciation.
In the absence of love, though, what separates a sugar-baby (the recipient of a sugar-daddy’s lavishing) from a prostitute? They both give their time and company (and often, sex) in exchange for money or goods. One could argue that the sugar-daddy is essentially taking her off the market and keeping her as his own private escort—something that high-class professional services occasionally provide. So what is the difference? That is, unfortunately, a question for the ages (and oftentimes, for the courts).
Anna Nicole Smith's Sugar Daddy
Finally, if the sugar-daddy setup is akin to a power struggle and the control over another human being, and can even be cheapened to that of a john’s relationship to his prostitute, how can it possibly be beneficial to the people involved? One word: loneliness. While that wealthy man spent his entire career overworked yet succeeding, he may have not had time to find a partner. As he reaches an age where he cannot easily meet a woman, he may find it more convenient to “buy” company. He may very well understand she is around only for his money. Yet it often seems the men are okay with this. He gets what he wants: someone to spend time with him, maybe even have sex with him, in his later years. On the other hand, she gets what she wants: a lavish lifestyle, which she may not have experienced otherwise. And yes, maybe she even appreciates the company he provides. No one is immune to love, after all.
There are a lot of misconceptions about affairs and cheating spouses. Perhaps the biggest misconception is that it could never (or would never) happen to you. “I know my husband…he would never cheat!” or “I hate cheaters…I could never be one!” However, cheaters aren’t born cheaters. Many times, they are not horrible individuals who set out to hurt their spouses, but rather, regular people who have found themselves caught in a messy situation.
Maybe it starts at home: his wife stops showing affection, loses her sex drive, is quicker to snap with him, even ignores him altogether. When this coldness is carried on for months or years, the interest of another woman can be hard to decline. This new woman doesn’t get after him (again!) for not doing the dishes. She doesn’t roll her eyes when he says she looks pretty today. She has no obligations to be with him—only her desire. More often than you may think, it is an emotional connection that leads men to cheat, rather than a need for sex.
Another misconception about cheating is that it is primarily men who are doing the cheating. The old stereotype of a man leaving his wife to be with his secretary has lingered long after its legitimacy left. More and more, it is women who are straying. With such popular television shows as Desperate Housewives, the women feel they are lacking something in their relationship, and venture out to find it. As is the case with many men, women may decide to stray if they are not receiving adequate attention and affection at home.
Recently, I talked with a female friend. She is not your archetypal cheater: she loves her husband, is dedicated to their marriage, and has never had thoughts of straying before. However, she confessed that an ongoing email conversation with a coworker has lately turned inappropriate. It started with a typical office email, in which they made jokes at the bottoms of memos, shared funny stories, or secretly gossiped about coworkers. As friends, they even talked a bit about their respective relationships. He revealed he was not happy, while at the same time, always comparing her to his wife. “You’re so much cooler,” he had said. “If we were single, I would much rather be with you.” After weeks of hearing how great she was or how beautiful she looked that day, her will was starting to cave. Furthermore, the emails had begun getting steamy and suggestive.
It has been said that once that seed of desire has been planted, it’s hard to not let it bloom. She went home every night and automatically focused on her husband’s flaws: how much better-looking, fitter, or attentive her coworker was.
And that, right there, is essentially why people cheat: the grass on the other side is greener. They become accustomed to the grass right in front of them. When that grass starts to brown from lack of attention and care, they can’t help but focus on the bright green grass across the street. What they don’t see, however, is that that same vibrant grass will, with time, also start to brown if they are not careful.
